To All the Football Morons in Alvarado, Texas

I have something to say to all the football morons in Alvarado, Texas. I never played the game myself, and yet I know more about it than many of the players on most high school and some college teams. And I make an attempt to put this knowledge to good use whilst enjoying America's game. Alas, it's an exercise in futility.

I am Psycho the Clown.

Here's the situation: Our team, the Alvarado Indians, has the ball. It's third down and seven on their own 30 yard line, and they're behind by one touchdown at the end of the third quarter. You got that? So the quarterback steps up behind center, starts to call the play...

Suddenly the crowd erupts into ear-splitting cries of "AWW-FENCE"-clap-clap-"AWW-FENCE"-clap-clap! And they are being led by both the cheerleaders and the rest of the football team who are standing on the sidelines.

I promise I'm not making this up.

And the band joins in, and people are stomping their feet on the bleachers... it's just about as much as I can take without throttling someone, especially when the tight end or a wide receiver jumps early because he couldn't hear the quarterback.

How many brain cells do you need to figure out you're supposed to be quiet when your own team has the ball, make a bunch of noise when the other team has the ball. There's actually a term for this: It's called

H O M E F I E L D A D V A N T A G E !

But no, our team has to be crippled by the home crowd, and crippled by their own team members on the sidelines. Sometimes, when they play games at the other team's field, our crowd still does this, but at least they get some help from the other side of the field... hmmm... I'm trying to find some humor in all this, but I think it got by me somehow. It's just lame.

Like I said, I never played the game. I've probably watched more games in the last three years than most people will see in a lifetime, and I can dissect them with ease. I helped my son with his technique when he was playing defensive end in the seventh grade, mostly because his coach that year seems to have only been aware of the position by rough description. I've spotted a blitz before the offensive unit broke their huddle.

And I go to our high school football games to support the team, and support the band, but at times it gives me a headache to sit there and watch the insanity around me. I think I need to be tranquillized for the next home game.